************FML*************

Well, this is exactly how I feel at the moment. It is amazing how much one's life can change at the drop of a dime.

The last time I blogged it was 1/2 hour into the New Year. I was praying that this year would be a whole heck of a lot better after the previous year being the worst ever, I mean how much worse could it get right? Wrong......As we were anticipating my brother recovering from his cancer, only six days later he lost his battle to it. He developed a severe infection which turned into sepsis and was gone within 24 hours after being admitted to the hospital. Needless to say, our lives have been completely turned upside down and inside out....there is no coming back from this and sadly I do not see our family ever recovering from this. There is absolutely no way to describe the pain, anger, confusion to all of this. This is just something that we are not able to cope with.

The hardest thing is watching our once small but VERY close knit family just fall apart. We are so lost with no direction in our lives now. My mom is beyond consolable. She has completely cut herself off from Linda and the kids. She wants nothing to do with Linda. She is so full of anger and blame. She has not allowed me to put the pictures of Tommy back up. She removed them as soon as we got back from the hospital after he died. She has not gone to the cemetary and states she never will. That is understandable. But the animosity she is feeling towards Linda is not. I mean, Linda and the kids are the best part of him. The only thing left of him. I just can't comprehend it. At all...

Any remote chance of happiness is immediately shot down or looked down upon. My dream of having a child to take care of is right at the tip of my fingers. My brother-in-law's niece's daughter is currently living with his mom. She will be 3 years old next month and has been abandoned by her mother. My BILs mother cannot take care of her so MaryAnn and Jesse are preparing to get guardianship of her. She will be living with me and eventually be under my guardianship and hopefully legally become mine. She is precious and cute. I met her for the first time last weekend. She loved me and I loved her immediately. She walked into the door and when I knelt down to say hi to her, she opened up her arms and hugged me and wanted me to hold her, which I did. We had dinner and she sat on my lap while we ate. She is so full of love and needs so much love. Of course, my sister and I see this as a sign from God. His way of bringing a little bit of happiness into our broken family. I feel it is my brother's way of trying to help us through his passing. However, my mother thinks it is a conspiracy on me and my sister's part. That we planned this and that we are trying to replace my brother (as if he could ever be replaced). She is complaining about how SHE is going to be put out and she does not want to be stuck as a "babysitter". Ugh.....how can one be so utterly selfish at a time like this and not consider what this innocent little child needs and how we could give her the opportunity of a good life. I have decided that I am going through with this no matter what. This is my chance to find some happiness in my life and I am not going to let this pass me by. That may be selfish but I believe I am doing the right thing by putting this little girl first....

This is Cathy, isn't she adorable?

Jeez! Okay I guess I really need to keep up with the blogging because this always ends up being a book when I don't keep up with it.

On the knitting part, well, I have tried to be really good about not buying so much yarn. I have been using what I have which too be honest is quite a hell of a lot, even after my major destashing earlier this year. I wanted to help as much as I could with my brother's funeral expenses so I destashed a large amount of my stash. I cannot believe the generosity of the people on Ravelry. I was so blown away by all the support and comfort I was given by people I have never met. In a matter of two days I sold over 1600.00. Some paid more than what was listed and just sent extra. It was overwhelming. I was able to put a very nice obit with picture in the paper and pay for my brother's headstone. I was so grateful for them. I hope this isn't too morbid to put here, but this is the headstone. The shadows from the flowers are kinda in the way.

Well, I guess that is it for now..... and as always, I WILL TRY to keep up with this as much as possible. I will definitely try to keep it up to date after Cathy is here which hopefully will be within the next month or two. And I apologize for just ranting on and on but obviously it was something I needed to get off my chest because once I started I could not stop. Besides, I think this is just therapy for me since not very many follow my blog. Take care!!